Consider Yourself Warned

On this day of hope, I'm feeling depressed, unappreciated, underloved and morose.

Being a stay-at-home mom must be one of the most thankless jobs in the world. It's not LZ who's unappreciative, of course (I'll give her a few years for that), it's the DH.

I don't think he really believes I do much of anything all day. He doesn't appreciate the things I accomplish every day and how much more difficult they are to complete when I'm chasing around a toddler.

But then I sound (and feel) like a whiny loser, don't I? I could do more, I guess. But then I think, I don't get any credit for the things I do accomplish, so why bother doing more?

What makes it worse is when I do ask for help, the DH blows me off. He truly belives that what I do is easy and inconsequential, while what he does (working outside the home) is what's really difficult and important. It's very frustrating and demoralizing and (I'll admit it) makes me feel like doing nothing at all just to be spiteful.

Because, of course, when I bring up how I feel, I'm inevitably met with, "well, why don't you go back to work and put LZ in day care," or even worse, "Why don't you go back to work and *I'll* stay home (snicker implied)."

I want to tell him, I don't want to go back to work, jackass, I want you to acknowledge that what I'm doing is important and valuable too.

So, have I told him that? Haven't I? I must have. Maybe not. Will it really make a difference?

I feel a lot of pressure and I have no real outlet to release it. I literally have no friends here (anywhere?). I have no hobbies. Some days I never leave the house; most days I don't want to. The house is always a mess; my marriage is strained; I'm unhappy in this place.

I feel deeply responsible for my child's well-being and most times I don't think I can do a good job. How can I teach her how to live when I haven't even figured it out myself? I don't want her to make the mistakes I have, but I don't feel like I can help her avoid them. I feel like I've already failed as her mother.

Just thinking that makes me cry. I don't want to mess up. I love her so much, I want so much for her. I want so much for her to be happy and to feel loved and protected. I don't even know where to start. I'm afraid it's already too late.